Exhausted

So tired now.  I have thought and reasoned with myself and still I cant plan my next move sensibly.  I dont want to lose my temper anymore.  How do I tackle the situation now?  What should I do next?

think think think

all I can think of , is what a horrid, unappealing person I must be that people have to treat me so, with contempt and in a cold manner.

I crave the love but it's not for me.

Bitter, that's what I have become.  Over the years, it must have been building up in me. I feel cold and hard in my heart.  I dont trust anyone at all, especially family.  Frankly i want out.  I want to leave them all.  But where do I go.  I am too exhausted to start again.  men, mean nothing, not to be trusted at all!  I dont want a man in my life!  No matter how good he is.  i am too old for that.  

If I can get it, I would like a small cottage somewhere, isolated, no work, no people nearby, just my company alone.  At least i will know who i am that way.   At least I will not upset anyone and no one will be able to upset me either. No responsibilities and no cares.

I will leave the world to its own devices and not interfere with anything or anyone.  I wont cause pain or be in anyone's way.  

Leave me alone and I will leave you alone, I dont need to exist in this world, this world is not for me.  It will be easier I think for people to be without me in their lives.  

No impression to be made on anyone's path. 

The world will carry on turning even when one of us jumps off.

I feel like a hiccup in your life, you will shut your eyes, and hold your breathe for a minute, and like a minor irritation you will make me go away. 

At times, I feel like a zit on your bum, you know i am there, not too painful, just an ugly sight that only you can see, and yet, you really want that zit burst and eliminated.

And at other times, I feel like the chi chat on the wall, you know I 'm not doing any harm, infact, I eat the flies and keep your walls clear, but all the same, you cant stand lizards in your sight.  You ignore my presence, as much as possible, as you know I am useful in a way, so you put up with me.  And when my tail drops off, you are mildly amused.  You know, I will survive, you know it will grow again, because its the way I am.  So you dont spend too much time  worrying about me.

But I am not a hiccup, or a zip or a chi chat, I am human, I am a person.  Or am i a tree in a forest of trees with no people  in hearing distance, I fell, and no one heard. 

I am so exhausted that I cannot do anything, though I know I should.  i will tell him to leave me.  I will work for my brother, get paid , send money to my daughter, to him, pay my mother rent, and keep on repaying my brother the loan he gave me.  At the same time, I will look for other business opportunities to see if i can make some money for my old age.  I will need to eventually leave here and live somewhere by myself.  other people cant put up with me, i now know this and i will go live in isolation till I die.