Real Associates Learning Guides - Real Associates Learning

Real Associates Learning Guides - Real Associates Learning

Shared via AddThis

Exhausted

So tired now.  I have thought and reasoned with myself and still I cant plan my next move sensibly.  I dont want to lose my temper anymore.  How do I tackle the situation now?  What should I do next?

think think think

all I can think of , is what a horrid, unappealing person I must be that people have to treat me so, with contempt and in a cold manner.

I crave the love but it's not for me.

Bitter, that's what I have become.  Over the years, it must have been building up in me. I feel cold and hard in my heart.  I dont trust anyone at all, especially family.  Frankly i want out.  I want to leave them all.  But where do I go.  I am too exhausted to start again.  men, mean nothing, not to be trusted at all!  I dont want a man in my life!  No matter how good he is.  i am too old for that.  

If I can get it, I would like a small cottage somewhere, isolated, no work, no people nearby, just my company alone.  At least i will know who i am that way.   At least I will not upset anyone and no one will be able to upset me either. No responsibilities and no cares.

I will leave the world to its own devices and not interfere with anything or anyone.  I wont cause pain or be in anyone's way.  

Leave me alone and I will leave you alone, I dont need to exist in this world, this world is not for me.  It will be easier I think for people to be without me in their lives.  

No impression to be made on anyone's path. 

The world will carry on turning even when one of us jumps off.

I feel like a hiccup in your life, you will shut your eyes, and hold your breathe for a minute, and like a minor irritation you will make me go away. 

At times, I feel like a zit on your bum, you know i am there, not too painful, just an ugly sight that only you can see, and yet, you really want that zit burst and eliminated.

And at other times, I feel like the chi chat on the wall, you know I 'm not doing any harm, infact, I eat the flies and keep your walls clear, but all the same, you cant stand lizards in your sight.  You ignore my presence, as much as possible, as you know I am useful in a way, so you put up with me.  And when my tail drops off, you are mildly amused.  You know, I will survive, you know it will grow again, because its the way I am.  So you dont spend too much time  worrying about me.

But I am not a hiccup, or a zip or a chi chat, I am human, I am a person.  Or am i a tree in a forest of trees with no people  in hearing distance, I fell, and no one heard. 

I am so exhausted that I cannot do anything, though I know I should.  i will tell him to leave me.  I will work for my brother, get paid , send money to my daughter, to him, pay my mother rent, and keep on repaying my brother the loan he gave me.  At the same time, I will look for other business opportunities to see if i can make some money for my old age.  I will need to eventually leave here and live somewhere by myself.  other people cant put up with me, i now know this and i will go live in isolation till I die.

Always a Loser

it has taken me this long, to realise that I am a loser; that I was not meant to be a success. I would close, so close and then something would happen, or someone would dangle a carrot and tempt me to do better.  And I always, my insecurity would take the temptation, or is it my ego.  

In Jeddah, I was doing so well, I had it all and was actually happy, but I wanted to prove I could do it in Singapore and to make my parents proud of me.  Afterall, they couldnt see my success while I was in Jeddah could they; they cant take my word for it. For all they knew, i could be making it all up.  So I leave all I had, and go to Singapore, to be with the family, to work in the family business.  To use my 'talents' , to put all our talents together and become great together as a whole.  

That was not to be, it failed from day one, my ideas were too unconventional, and I rubbed everyone up the wrong way, I was changing things too much for anyone's liking; eventhough I was doing it all for the sake of my family.  Somehow, I was seen as a threat, a threat to their position and to their security within the scheme of things.  So the plots against me began.  My own family, turned against me, I became the outsider, the one, in their minds, who wants to destroy their business, who wants it all for herself.  To prove a point, a stealthily walked away from it all, took nothing but what was my own, and just left them all, to start a new life far away from home and the family.  

A conscious choice, difficult one to make, it took me months to think about it and a few more months to make the final decision. 

Then in England, I started businesses, and they did well to begin with, my husband though helpful could also be nasty and took advantage of me lots of times too.  oh, he would make up for it but at a price, and I always felt guilty whenever he did anything for me, so it was never very comforting when he did me a favour, for I knew that some time soon, I would end up paying back for the goodness shown me.  

then out of the blue, staff from my second business became jealous of my success and decided to crush it all and sadly succeeded.  

Fight it, of course I did, but it didnt work. I was patient, tenacious, resilient, but it was all painful, and finally, at a loss I sold and closed down.  

I worked hard to succeed but somehow...............

Then I worked for people, and that somehow usually does well, but it's usually not enough money and the prospects are not long term enough for my liking, as I always worried about being poor.  And my thirst for being a success was and is never satisfied. i wanted more, I knew I was capable of greatness and it is always just out of reach, had to have it again, like when I had it in Jeddah.  And so my search for a way to achieve my potential, my peak, my crown.  I needed it badly.  And thus, starts my spiral to hell.   I convinced myself that leaving England, my then home, was the answer.  My old friend, from malaysia managed to convince me that her country was a gold mine and I could easily make it there. So there I went. Uprooting, leaving my daughter behind to study. I thought I was doing the right thing and he backed me up all the way. Infact, he encouraged me to do it.   even when I had doubts, he would dispel these and push me forward, it was going to be our claim to the success we finally deserved; and besides, he was tired and needed to rest, and for me to carry on earning for us.

Malaysia turned out to be our torture cell.  We were virtually eaten alive.  Me in particular, suffered and endured alot more than he did.  We achieved fame and a superb reputation but we didnt make any money, infact, we lost alot of money.  Our business was the most talked about, most reputable, but there was jealousy, afterall we were foreigners.   And my so called friend, turned out to be a lazy, jealous bitch... do I need say more.  It cost us so much to keep it going in the end.  For so long, I felt so alone and felt like a one man show.  My wonderful husband took a watchman's stance and judged me as usual. His 'helpfulness' was always a debt to be paid; and caused much arguments betweeen us.  Alone, I know the meaning of that word.  The business became known as mine, that is how apparent it was to everyone that i was the only driving force behind it.    And so the story of our 'bankrupcy', when we lost every single penny we ever had... down the swanney.   

Thankfully, my mother saw our situation, afterall she had invested in the business too, and asked my brother to help us out. They got us out of the country and housed us in Singapore. We work for my brother now, live in their house in two rooms, which double up as office/bedroom and lounge. It's good of them and I am very grateful.  Although at first, it was hard, my mother had mixed feelings about us being here, in her house.  I hated it and thought it would be better if we just left but persevered all the same as the alternative was even harder (homelessness in UK).  But my so called husband became a monster, he was so unreasonable, he expected my mother to cook for him and treat him special just like she treated my brother. Very unrealistic, afterall, he is only her son in law.  he craved attention from her, it was weird for me to see it.  He would get upset, and sulk, if she did not pay him heed.  And she would react the same way with him  I felt like I was in the way, somehow, i had missed something, what was going on? there was sparks flying around between these two and I didnt understand it.   I actually suspect that they have feelings for each other.  Sick!  Yes, but that's what I feel.  

Again, I am not meant to be around, this is not for me.  

My so called husband, was so upset with my mother and me too apparently, that he took what little money we had put aside and left for England. Booked his flights and went, leaving me high and dry.  I was shocked, upset, broken, and felt so betrayed.  He had the heart to just get up and leave me .  Is this the action of a man who loves and cares for you?  Could I ever trust me again after that ?  I have forgiven him alot of horrid things in the past but this abandonment was the limit.  he was away for a week! and it was not even six months ago .  He want to see our daughter, bear in mind I had not seen her for 2 years if not more either.  And I too wanted to see her but couldnt either.    I was being sensible.  It's a joke; a joke on me.  Was that not proof that he did not care about me  or my feelings.  Was that not proof that he did not, does not love me.  all these years, it was the one thing i could threaten him with when we argued, I would tell him, I'd leave him but of course i never did. I thought that he would never leave me, that he cared too much for me to leave me.  I was wrong.  He always endured staying with me because he thought I would care for him in his old age and he was too lazy to go out in the open market to fend for himself.  And our daughter was too young and dependant to take him in. But now, she's working, dependent and he saw his 'escape' or should I say, an outlet option for him to leave me.  Like I was holding him prisoner or something.  And for years, I had been hoping he would leave me, so as i can have peace.  he is cleverer and more calculating than he makes out.  He makes me feel worthless.  I feel like our life together has been nothing but one big lie, a game of deceit, a clever con. 

Infact, I think he has always hated being with me, he hates being with me so much, that he has to drink. And drink he did, in abundance; perhaps to dull the sensation of his life with me. He drank so much and as often as he possibly could.  He really must have hated being with me. So why didnt he just leave, I would have let him have access to his daughter.  why torture both me and him all this time.  Somehow, he blames me, blames me for alot of things, and i am not sure what exactly.  Blames me for being the way I am probably.  And maybe he's right, I am at fault for playing the game too, for accepting alot of things, for pretending things are good between us, for not having the courage to walk away years ago, for hanging on , for being too needy, for making him feel obliged to me.  Maybe he feels I have manipulated him into being with me. 

Maybe, I am right .  I have found my answer. 

Well, now, I release him, from my chains.  You can go.  i want you to go.  Leave your final years in peace, no obligation to this person.  Infact, i will, as long as I am still alive, send you money, each month.  Let's just say its payment for all you have bought and given me in the past. I pay you back.  I dont mind.  

Just leave now.  If I am not loved, then it is best, I live in truth, we both have to know where we stand now .   Enough of pretending.  Let's save the last few years of our lives for ourselves.  

Over the last few years, I have observed that he is more than willing to see me slog and not lift a finger to help me unless i lose my temper....  hahaha..... a rich man married a tart and treats her better than my husband treats me....  what have I done to deserve this?  

And when I ask him to do work, its like he's doing me a favour, not that he is getting paid for doing a job. He says that he is treated like a glorified delivery boy.  It has not occurred to him that it is because he will not volunteer to do other things that prevent me or anyone from asking him to do other things.  

He constantly grumbles that he doesnt have enough to do and that he is bored out of his mind, and gets all moody with me about it. So I give him work to occupy him ,  and what does he do, he takes his time to do it or moans that it is beneath him.  There is nothing else I can give you that you are capable of doing because you will not learn to do new skills.  Get it.  You grumble, go moody, sulk, moan at me and yet you do nothing to make your life easier.  It is obvious, you dont want to be here, so go, go wherever you want, just go away from me.  Leave me be now!

Always a loser, I lose my life, my family, my business, my husband, my daughter....  does a loser ever become a winner?

What does an always loser do to regain spirit?  Write down everything and hope it makes sense.